Ever get bored of all these lame sex positions? Kama sutra? Yawn. Everyone is bored of these positions, and the stuff you see in porn is too disgusting to be sexy. With all of these bored couples, I had to take action. I present to you, fast food sex positions!
Do you want to have rockin’ sex with your partner, but still want the convenience equivalent to that of a fast food restaurant? Well here’s a list of brand new sex positions for those who like it quick, but satisfying. These are in no way quickies, but they are a little something in between. Lets start from the top:
The Burger King
The Burger King is for the manliest of men, and the hungriest of women (or a homosexual male). It will give you an empowering feeling as your spouse is enjoying her food, as you will feel like you are the king of this quick stop. To perform this position, you will need: A burger king “King” mask and crown, a BK menu, the correct ingredients, and a good place to hide. You will hide around the house, as the aforementioned “King” would. At the moment you catch your spouse off-guard, you will creep out of the shadows you came from and offer her a “meal”. You will present to her a menu so she can choose what she likes. Once she makes the decision, you will cook the specialty burger with a slot inside so you can stick your pump-action yogurt rifle inside for safe keeping. Once the meal is ready, slip it on your manhood, and just stand there as your “customer” enjoys her meal and you feel like the goddamn shit. Reward yourself with a much-needed pat on the back and a large coke.
The Happy Meal
The Happy Meal is a little on the kinky side, unlike The Burger King. What you need is: A clown suit and makeup, fries, medium coke, and the special toy inside! But wait, where’s the big mac you ask? You already have that! As you begin, you will have to tell some jokes to get your partner engaged and ready for some hot clown sex. I personally like the “orange you glad I didn’t say banana” joke the best. Once things are starting to feel hot and heavy, offer your partner the happy meal, they will look through it and return it to you, saying there is something wrong with their big mac, and you need to take a closer look at it. At that point you will have to be creative and use some magic tricks to fix your customer’s big mac. If you are a male you can compensate for your customer by saying sorry and offering them a free large vanilla shake, if you catch my drift. Load up and prepare your dispenser because the customer won’t wait at this point! Luckily the toy that came with their happy meal should be distracting them enough for you to prepare the shake. At this point, all I can say is be creative and always cater to the customer’s needs. If your partner says “I’m Lovin’ It!” then you have succeeded. When you two finish up you will be rewarded with fries and a large coke.
You’re probably thinking “Wendy from Wendy’s is a little girl! This is becoming a little gross!” Wrong. Wendy’s restaurant was founded in 1969. Wendy herself is about 41 years old. And there’s nothing wrong about imitating a 41 year old child. Now, this one is primarily for the ladies to prepare. Men like pigtails and red hair, it’s just a given. But you know what we also like? BACON. No man on this planet dislikes bacon. That’s a cold hard fact. And what better way to have sex than to do it with bacon included? What you need: Pigtails, red hair, a lot of bacon, and a large coke. In this position, you pretty much become a baconator. What you have to do is present yourself in the nude to your man holding a package of bacon. He will instantly get a boner because he’s seeing the two most awesome things he’s ever seen in his life come together. Now you have to lure him into the kitchen while you cook bacon in the nude. At this point, you may want to put an apron on to avoid any unwanted grease splattering. Because this is the most highly arousing thing your man has ever seen, if he spills his vanilla frosty in his pants, then keep going, bacon takes a while to make and he will return for you after he cleans himself in the restroom. When you are all done, wait till it cools and then put the bacon all over yourself, especially the funny bits. At this point you can pretty much go all out and do whatever you want to do with your man, he won’t care what kind of position you do it in because you have bacon all over you. Bacon grease used as lube is optional, but for health reasons not suggested. After you finish, you may get pimples and he may have diarrhea from all the bacon. But it will be completely worth it, because in the end you will reward yourself with a large coke.
The Arby’s 69 cent special
Similar to The Burger King, but more tender in nature, and isn’t just a BJ. In one of those quiet tender moments that you have with your partner, you may be thinking of either: “I want to have sex” or “I’m thinkin’ Arby’s”. Well guess what? This will be a meal for both of you and you will awesome sex. As you cuddle with your partner, one of you may ask “Whacha thinkin’?” or “What do you wanna do?” with a seductive smirk on their face. To start doing this, start off by whispering “I’m thinkin’ Arby’s…” So get up, go to the car, drive to the nearest Arby’s restaurant, order a large roast beef sandwich, large curly fries, and a large coke. When you return with your bag of goods, hold your partner’s hand and tell him/her “follow me…” and head for the bedroom or wherever you want to do the dirty deed. When you get there, unwrap the bag and reveal the contents. Get undressed and do whatever you need to do to get aroused. Once that is done, the man needs to put the curly fries on his milkshake dispenser, and the woman needs to put the roast beef sandwich between her ass cheeks. Now get in a 69 position and chow down! This will be both arousing and delicious at the same time. I can assure you that the woman will orgasm 20 times while doing this, giving your sandwich a much-needed condiment, as it was dry really needed something on it. Women, I hope you like dipping your curly fries in your milkshake, because that’s just what will happen. After you finish up, you will be rewarded with a large coke.
This position is probably quicker than a quickie. It’s pretty self explanatory. It mostly happens to virgin males on their first try when they lose it right as they penetrate the lettuce curtains. If you enjoy this regularly then you are probably a gigantic jackass.
See the full version on my other blog!